Ianto's STI sexually transmitted immortality
by ThisDontExist
Summary: Just a crazy little story. Makes zero sense but was really fun to write. Intended for a mature audience. Enjoy!


**Ianto's STI (Sexually Transmitted Immortality)**

_**Genre: humour/ romance**_

_**A/N: I wanted to explore Jack's relationship with the Doctor in a more sexy and humorous way but I also wanted to write a Janto romance, so I decided to do both. I got the STI idea from a Facebook page and set the story on the hill in the final scene of Torchwood: Children of Earth. I hope you enjoy reading this as much as I enjoyed writing it and I'm sorry if the grammar and spelling is bad but I did my best to fix it. **_

_**Rating: M. Infrequent coarse language, Adult themes, Paradox**_

Gwen stood on the slope of a grassy hill, her long dark hair whipping her face in the strong wind. Rhys stood in the shadows just behind her, his eyes unmoving from her bulging stomach where his first and only child was housed. But for all Gwen knew he could have returned to the car, because she had eyes only for the man at the very top of the hill. Captain Jack Harkness stood tall and proud as he gazed down at Gwen. He was bathed in moonlight which cast an aura of angelic light around his body. He had his hands in the pocket of his grey military trench coat and made no sign that he had even noticed the arrival of his closest friend.

Gwen was unsure if he had seen her and so she jogged sluggishly to where he stood, while an anxious Rhys made sure she didn't stumble on the slippery grass. She reached the top and grinned broadly at her boss, exposing a rather large gap in her front teeth.

"You got my message," Jack said in his mysterious, American accented voice, "Did you bring it?"

"Yes," Gwen reached into her pockets and pulled out a watch-like leather wrist band. She handed it to him while saying, "They found it in the wreckage. Indestructible; just like its owner. We replaced the band of course."

Rhys shouted over the wind, "Cost me Twenty Quid, that!"

"Bill me!" Jack yelled back while strapping the band to his wrist.

"Jack-" Gwen began but was cut off by a timeless, majestic, rhythmic sound that cannot be described in words. The sound sent shivers down their backs and excitement in Jack's trousers.

"Impossible…" He whispered softly as before their eyes a shape appeared, slowly.

Gwen and Rhys both gasped as the shape took the form of a large, wooden blue box. It had peeling paint and looked about ready to fall apart and yet it demanded respect and awe. Something about the blue box made Gwen's skin crawl and her heart flutter.

On the front of the box was a door with high windows and a battered sign. Quite suddenly, the box door burst open sending out a blinding light from within. Jack shielded his eyes as a silhouette stepped into the doorway.

Jack called out to the figure, "Doctor?"

But the answering call was more normal than the enthusiastic voice of a timelord, "No, Jack. It's me."

Jack's throat tightened and his heart stopped. He knew that voice; better than he knows his own.

"...Ianto?" he breathed as the figure stepped forward out of the box.

It _was_ Ianto.

"What?" Gwen screamed in shock, "How is this possible?"

Jack was speechless and collapsed gracefully onto the cool grass. Ianto was at his side in seconds, grasping his hand.

"It's me," he repeated as a single elegant tear slid down his scarred cheek, falling softly on Jack's lips, "It's me. I'm here now. I'm here for you, Jack."

"Ianto...You're really here? Alive?" Jack uttered dreamily, licking Ianto's tear slowly from his lips, "But that's impossible."

"Not impossible; just a bit unlikely," a slightly excited voice came from inside the box.

Jack sat up and peered through the light cast by the box interior, and saw another thin silhouette with big hair.

"The Doctor?" Jack turned to Ianto, "Are you travelling with The Doctor? How is that possible? You...died...in my arms."

"I know," Ianto whispered, "But I came back."

Jack looked deep into his eyes and quietly asked, "How?"

"I can answer that!" the second silhouette yelled gleefully as he sprang out of the box, "I'm The Doctor, by the way," he added to Gwen and Rhys, who looked at him confusedly.

The Doctor had big spikey brown hair with neatly trimmed sideburns and wore a brown pin stripped suit with a long trench coat, and white Converse sneakers. He had a cheeky grin on his youthful face and an excited energy surrounded him, and yet his dark eyes blazed with a fierce, ageless fire.

"Doctor," Jack leapt to his feet and embraced the tall, skinny timelord, "You came back. With Ianto? How did that happen?" there was a note of defensiveness, possibly jealousy, in his voice.

"I found him," the Doctor explained, "It turns out that Ianto's an Immortal too. He came back when the 456 killed him."

"How? He never mentioned being Immortal to me!"

"Because I didn't know," Ianto sounded apologetic, "I only found out after I died and then the Doctor found me in the morgue."

"But how did you become Immortal?" Gwen asked sceptically, "It's no small task."

The Doctor grinned, "He got his Immortality from Jack. It was transmitted during one of their...uh...you know..._games_."

"Are you saying," Gwen demanded, "that Ianto has Sexually Transmitted Immortality, from Jack?"

He nodded brightly.

"Wow," was all Jack could say.

Ianto turned to Jack and pulled him into a tight embrace, kissing him so forcefully it looked as though Jack would be crushed.

Rhys gasped, "Oi! Knock it off you two! You're gonna make me sick!"

Jack pushed himself away from Ianto, turned to Rhys and said, "Fuck off Rhys," then pulled Ianto into the blue box with him.

Gwen looked outraged, "Jack! You can't speak to my husband like that! Jack? JACK!"

For a few minutes all Gwen could do was stare open mouthed while The Doctor laughed. He stopped suddenly, "Oh no! Not in the TARDIS guys! I forgot to put the parking brake on!" he ran into the box and slammed the door shut in Gwen's face.

The inside of the TARDIS was ten times bigger than the outside. It was a large, round room with odd shaped columns supporting the high ceiling. In the centre of the room was a platform with a control panel spiralling around a centre mast-like column. On the control panel was an assortment of different buttons and leavers, and on the controls were Jack and Ianto both naked and humping the shit out of each other.

"Guys!" the Doctor shouted over the sounds of their orgasms, "Don't press any buttons!"

Just as he said that Ianto accidently slipped on a big red button. The entire TARDIS shook and an alarm sounded.

"Great," the timelord muttered and ran to the controls.

The TARDIS began dematerialising and the interior shook violently, as if an earthquake was occurring. Jack was thrown to the floor and Ianto tumbled on top of him very unceremoniously. Sprawled on the ground Jack clung to the railing around the platform with one arm and held Ianto's hand with the other. As the TARDIS spiralled and tumbled through time and space the interior was flipped sideways. Ianto gripped Jack's hand with all his strength in order not to fall. The Doctor wrapped his arms around a column and whooped and whistled with excitement at the ride.

Eventually he pulled his Sonic Screwdriver from within his pockets and aimed it at the controls. It flashed blue and buzzed briefly before the largest purple leaver moved forward. The TARDIS alarm stopped blaring and the box levelled out again. When the floor stopped shaking and all was still Jack released Ianto from his firm embrace.

"That was fun," the Doctor grinned as he strode to the door, pushing it open and stumbling out. He collapsed on the grass at Gwen's feet. "Oh good," he laughed, looking up at the enraged Welsh woman, "I parked on the right continent."

"What happened?" she demanded, "What's wrong with you?"

He frowned, "Not sure what happened, exactly. Ianto bumped a button and the TARDIS kind of...had an emotional," he smiled manically, "We did some awesome flipping and now I'm rather dizzy."

Rhys snorted, "You're mad! Just like the other two; the gay couple," he turned to his pregnant wife, "Gwen, honey, we should leave."

"No! Stay!" The Doctor and Jack chorused together. Jack and Ianto had hastily clothed themselves and stepped awkwardly out of the TARDIS.

"Jack," Gwen said sternly, "What is going on? I think I have a head ache."

The Doctor was attempting to flatten his ruffled hair when the TARDIS alarm sounded again. He ran into the blue box and began pushing buttons, muttering to himself.

He shouted out a curse in an alien tongue and ran to the door, "Congrats Ianto, you stupid ape! You've ripped opened the time vortex!"

Ianto looked confused, "I don't know what that is but it doesn't sound good."

"Believe me it isn't," Jack moaned.

The Doctor's eyes widened and a horrified look appeared on his face, "Oh no! I know that sound..."

Jack strained his ears and could hear it now; a deep vibration. He felt the hairs on his arms raise and he could taste electricity in the air. Abruptly the sound grew loud and the wind seemed to pick up speed. Then a different sound was heard; the sound of thunder, a great rumbling.

Suddenly a flash appeared and a wormhole opened right next to the TARDIS.

"Schism," Jack gasped as the wormhole grew in size. The anomaly was now a large as the TARDIS and flashed and hummed with energy.

A large object materialised inside the wormhole and landed beside the Doctor's vessel. The schism then closed, collapsing in on itself until nothing was left but a faint metallic taste in the air, and of course the object.

The large object was identical to the TARDIS; a blue nineties police box. Except this one looked newer and its paint wasn't peeling.

"Another TARDIS!" Jack shrieked, "Now that is impossible! Nothing can cross its own timeline, not even the most sophisticated time machine in the Universe!"

"It's a Paradox," The Doctor uttered while staring curiously at the second, newer TARDIS.

The door burst open on the second blue box and a drenched young man in a wet tweed jacket and a bright red bow tie leapt out onto the grass. He had a goofy sort of grin and a childish expression of wonder and joy on his face. He smiled at everyone and wiped water from his brow which was dripping down from his soaking wet hair.

"Hello!" he said cheerfully, "I'm The Doctor! Sorry about the water, I fell in the pool when the TARDIS flipped. Rather odd, that. It doesn't usually spin out of control on a Wednesday; that's more of a Sunday occurrence, just ask Amy. Which reminds me! She was in the library; I hope she's not covered in books. And where is that troublesome Roman, Rory?"

The first Doctor took a step towards the dripping wet Doctor and poked him slowly in the shoulder with one finger. The second Doctor rocked backwards very slowly and stared transfixed at the man pushing him.

"Doctor?" the first Doctor asked curiously.

"Yes, you are too by the looks of it," the second Doctor said, grinning, "And yes I am real, so you can stop fingering me now...oh! Now that sounded a bit wrong!"

"Still hot though," Jack smiled devilishly.

"Careful," the two Doctors said in unison.

The first Doctor sighed, "This paradox is very unusual but not the first time it's happened to me. So how far in my future are you?"

"Spoilers," The second Doctor said teasingly then hesitated, "Wow…I just sounded way too much like River for my liking."

"DOCTOR!" the voice of a distinctively Scottish woman echoed from the depths of the newer TARDIS, "DOCTOR!"

"Coming Pond!" the wet Doctor ran back into his blue box to fetch his companion.

The first Doctor frowned thoughtfully, "His TARDIS has a pool? And a library?"

Jack and Ianto crept past the confused Gwen and Rhys, and the distracted Doctor, and entered the new TARDIS. The inside of this TARDIS was slightly different from the older one. It had new paint and looked a lot cleaner but the structure was the same. Jack had come in out of curiosity but now found the futuristic settings quite arousing, soon he found himself on top of Ianto, butt fucking him while crying out his name.

The second Doctor returned a few minutes later with a pretty ginger woman and a tall, big nosed man in a Roman Centurion's outfit.

"WOW!" the Doctor stopped at the sight of the two naked men on his vessel's floor, "Amy. Rory. Out please."

Rory and Amy Pond obeyed and left the TARDIS. Jack stopped thrusting Ianto and turned to the Doctor expecting him to throw them out in anger but the timelord didn't say a word. The Doctor unthreaded his bow tie and tossed it to the floor. He unbuttoned his soaking tweed jacket and dropped his suspenders.

Jack stared open mouthed as the Doctor walked naked to his side and shoved him back against the control panel. The Doctor bent down and held Jack's shaft, gently lifting it to his mouth. Captain Jack had always dreamed of this and now the Doctor was actually giving him a blowjob he was too taken aback to move. Ianto however acted without hesitation. He came up behind the timelord and thrusted repeatedly in his ass.

Jack grinned remembering how poetic Ianto's anal thrusts were.

"WHAT!" they all broke apart and turned to see the first Doctor in the doorway with Rory, Gwen, Rhys and Amy at his side.

"It's not what it looks like!" the second, naked Doctor laughed, "Actually it's exactly what it looks like."

"Doctor!" Amy gasped, shocked.

Rory glanced at her, "Actually I'm not that surprised. I always thought he swung that way."

"Like you can talk," the Doctor smiled at him, "Or are you forgetting out little encounter on Raxicoricofalapatorious?"

"Good point," he nodded and ripped his own Roman shirt off.

"What encounter would that be?" Amy demanded, "Rory, we're married you can't cheat on me with him," she pointed at the Doctor, "He's _my_ fantasy; not yours!"

The naked Doctor raised his hands, "Come now people! There's enough of me for everyone!"

Amy shrugged, "Good enough for me."

"Mrs Williams," Rory offered his arm which she took.

They both stripped in a surprisingly quick time and stood ready and waiting.

"Well?' the naked Doctor said to his younger self.

The other man hesitated and sighed, "Alright." He took off his trench coat, lying it next to Jack's coat, and removed his tie. But Gwen held his arm to stop him from going any further.

She looked livid, "This has gone far enough!" she spat venomously, "All of you get dressed NOW!"

"Fuck off!" Amy laughed.

Rhys stepped forward, "Oi! Watch it ranga bitch!"

"Don't you dare call her a bitch!" Rory yelled defensively.

Rhys moved towards Rory fists clenched, beckoning, challenging him.

Rory couldn't help it, he was a trained warrior, filled with Ancient Roman ideals of honour; he launched himself at Rhys. The welsh man was caught by surprise and fell to the floor with a naked and enraged Rory pinning him down.

Gwen advanced on the fighting men to intervene but Amy stepped in front of her and bitch-slapped her in the face. Gwen was thrown off balance, and tripped over. She fell on the floor and smacked her jaw on the ground. She gasped as her two front teeth were knocked out in a spray of blood.

Jack cheered along with the two Doctors and Ianto, "Go Pond! Get that gap!"

Rory picked Rhys up by the collar and threw him from the TARDIS. Gwen stormed out after her husband, clutching her bleeding mouth.

The two Williams shut the blue door, locked it and returned to the fray. For the next few hours they all enjoyed a very kinky six-person sexagon, until they all returned to their own correct timelines.

With the two Doctor's and the Williams were gone Jack and Ianto were left alone on the hill in the pale morning light.

"I love you Jack," Ianto whispered into his ear as they laid on the grass in each other's arms.

"I know," Jack stated, smiling.

Ianto became suddenly serious, "What are we going to do now? Where will we go?"

"I was kinda hoping we could travel," Jack smiled at the thought, "Two Immortals, a spacecraft, and the whole Universe. Sounds a bit romantic, huh?"

Ianto grinned, "You mean in space?"

"Yeah. I'll use this-" he held up his wrist, showing Ianto his watch-like band-"to get us up there. There's a freighter I've sent a signal to and their ready to transport us on my mark. So what do you say? You up for it?"

Ianto pondered this for less than a second before jumping to his feet, "Absolutely! Show me the Universe, Jack!"

_**Fin**_


End file.
